Don't Tell Me I Can't Do It - I Already Know I Can't Do It

This is me being 'the handyman:' I bought a new shower head (took me 5 years to work up the nerve to get on a 5' ladder to see why there was very little water coming out). So far, so mediocre.

But then I have to install it. I purposely found the easiest (for anyone else) shower head I could find. I went so far as to make sure it didn't need Teflon tape on it, though I have a roll of it in my garage. One less thing to screw up. But, no, not a problem for this Waterpik product: to install simply screw onto the pipe and 'hand tighten.' How could anyone screw this up?

It was at the moment that this thought crossed my mind and I was reminded that someone once told me "you aren't just anyone." I still don't know if that was an insult or encouragement, but I know I am 'not just anyone,' which I've hung my hat on for years. Unfortunately, hats don't do shower head installations.

The first thing I did after cutting open the package is to look inside the head for what I had been told was a 'flow regulator.' If you remove the flow regulator, the shower puts out more water, so I pulled 'it' out (see William Jefferson Clinton for what the definition of 'it' is) and began the installation.

I screwed it on the pipe threads left-handed - no small fete for me - hand-tightened per their instructions (the other instruction was "Remove the product from the package" which is so rudimentary that I checked on line to make sure that instruction was in their manual and not just yet another insult to my un-handyman-ness).

So I'm at the 'hand-tighten' stage - the only stage, but still.... - and I'm feeling good. I put it on as tight as I could, used a wrench to torque it a little because my hands don't torque like they used to. I turn the shower on and - wow! - we had more water coming out! Suc..c...e.....s.....s...wait a minute; a little water is leaking out of the head where it meets the pipe. "I guess it's not tight enough," came my newly emboldened but functionally inept reply. I guess it needs to be tighter.

So I bear down a little - don't want to get past the degree of hand-tightening that, say, the Incredible Hulk could achieve. Caution. Be cautious. Turn on the shower and water is still leaking....better call Waterpik Support and admit to them that I can't successfully install an item with one freaking line of installation instructions. But it's 11:00 pm, so they aren't there - I have to sleep on it. If a '90% successful installation' was good enough, I could have moved on with my life. But, no, the worse the handyman, the more perfection he expects of himself. Kind of like the guy who goes golfing once a year, swings as hard as he can, and can't figure out why he is breaking 3 residential windows every hole instead of breaking 90; sometimes you just have to realize the level of expertise you have earned and live to fail another day.

Which I did.

I called Waterpik the next morning and a very nice girl helps me. Sorry, don't mean to be sexist, but now a girl who is probably working at Waterpik part time only because Baskin-Robbins isn't hiring is going to tell me how to install a plumbing item with one installation instruction. Does anyone deserve this much shame?

So Alicia (we're on a first name basis now) asked how she could help. I told her about the installation - that I removed the white thingy you can see in the shower head to increase water flow, and then....."what did you say that was, Alicia? Oh, that's not a flow regulator, its the part that screens the water to remove inorganic cooties before the water shoots out, and it insures that the shower head seals tightly when "hand-tightening it?" Yes, that is somewhat interesting. Doh.

Then I suddenly remembered that the white thingy had been on my sink - the one with no water stopper - and I accidentally knocked it into the sink and, therefore, into the unimaginably gross abyss. "Ohhhh noooooo," I thought or perhaps said, "I've ruined everything," and I haven't even told her that I used a wrench to tighten the connection. Well, I am going right this minute to get a hanger, unscrew it, put some box tape on the end and go fishing for it....or maybe I'll do that later in 'the process.'

Oh, and now I know where the flow regulator is located....it's maybe 1/64th of an inch from the white thingy. Might have been obvious...to another 'handyman.'

Adding insult to injury? Alicia offers to send me a brand new white thingy in case my sink is permanently plugged up, which offer I gladly accepted for no particular reason. I can see it all now: pre-co-ed girl sends part with a wholesale value (it's always important to get the best price you can, so I talked them down a little.....) of $0.00005 to a schmuck who can't follow one simple instruction. Pre-co-ed girl places the call record up on the Idiots Wall of Shame Board for all the world to see. One white thingy costing $0.00005 (plus $0.46 for postage, for a grand total of $.46005) is mailed, one reputation eternally soiled.

With any luck I didn't crack the shower head as a result of my, uh, creative installation techniques. Alicia was really nice (at least to my ear) and said that if the head is broken to "just give us a call." That's the level of confidence she has in me?

If she really knew me she would realize that I am considered to be quite a technical guy. In fact, right now I am working on a new technology certification. And, sure, I'll admit it: while reading the manuals I will be keeping my eyes pealed for anything that refers to the words 'white' and/or 'thingy' so, next time I run into something like this I will be better informed.

Well, so long for now. I have an orphaned white thingy to retrieve from my sink. I was thinking about turning off the water and opening the pipe, but then I thought "Naw, from now on I'm leaving this type of technical stuff to trained professionals."

Like Alicia.

Good grief.