Don't Tell Me I Can't Do It - I Already Know I Can't Do It

This is me being 'the handyman:' I bought a new shower head (took me 5 years to work up the nerve to get on a 5' ladder to see why there was very little water coming out). So far, so mediocre.

But then I have to install it. I purposely found the easiest (for anyone else) shower head I could find. I went so far as to make sure it didn't need Teflon tape on it, though I have a roll of it in my garage. One less thing to screw up. But, no, not a problem for this Waterpik product: to install simply screw onto the pipe and 'hand tighten.' How could anyone screw this up?

It was at the moment that this thought crossed my mind and I was reminded that someone once told me "you aren't just anyone." I still don't know if that was an insult or encouragement, but I know I am 'not just anyone,' which I've hung my hat on for years. Unfortunately, hats don't do shower head installations.

The first thing I did after cutting open the package is to look inside the head for what I had been told was a 'flow regulator.' If you remove the flow regulator, the shower puts out more water, so I pulled 'it' out (see William Jefferson Clinton for what the definition of 'it' is) and began the installation.

I screwed it on the pipe threads left-handed - no small fete for me - hand-tightened per their instructions (the other instruction was "Remove the product from the package" which is so rudimentary that I checked on line to make sure that instruction was in their manual and not just yet another insult to my un-handyman-ness).

So I'm at the 'hand-tighten' stage - the only stage, but still.... - and I'm feeling good. I put it on as tight as I could, used a wrench to torque it a little because my hands don't torque like they used to. I turn the shower on and - wow! - we had more water coming out! Suc..c...e.....s.....s...wait a minute; a little water is leaking out of the head where it meets the pipe. "I guess it's not tight enough," came my newly emboldened but functionally inept reply. I guess it needs to be tighter.

So I bear down a little - don't want to get past the degree of hand-tightening that, say, the Incredible Hulk could achieve. Caution. Be cautious. Turn on the shower and water is still leaking....better call Waterpik Support and admit to them that I can't successfully install an item with one freaking line of installation instructions. But it's 11:00 pm, so they aren't there - I have to sleep on it. If a '90% successful installation' was good enough, I could have moved on with my life. But, no, the worse the handyman, the more perfection he expects of himself. Kind of like the guy who goes golfing once a year, swings as hard as he can, and can't figure out why he is breaking 3 residential windows every hole instead of breaking 90; sometimes you just have to realize the level of expertise you have earned and live to fail another day.

Which I did.

I called Waterpik the next morning and a very nice girl helps me. Sorry, don't mean to be sexist, but now a girl who is probably working at Waterpik part time only because Baskin-Robbins isn't hiring is going to tell me how to install a plumbing item with one installation instruction. Does anyone deserve this much shame?

So Alicia (we're on a first name basis now) asked how she could help. I told her about the installation - that I removed the white thingy you can see in the shower head to increase water flow, and then....."what did you say that was, Alicia? Oh, that's not a flow regulator, its the part that screens the water to remove inorganic cooties before the water shoots out, and it insures that the shower head seals tightly when "hand-tightening it?" Yes, that is somewhat interesting. Doh.

Then I suddenly remembered that the white thingy had been on my sink - the one with no water stopper - and I accidentally knocked it into the sink and, therefore, into the unimaginably gross abyss. "Ohhhh noooooo," I thought or perhaps said, "I've ruined everything," and I haven't even told her that I used a wrench to tighten the connection. Well, I am going right this minute to get a hanger, unscrew it, put some box tape on the end and go fishing for it....or maybe I'll do that later in 'the process.'

Oh, and now I know where the flow regulator is located....it's maybe 1/64th of an inch from the white thingy. Might have been obvious...to another 'handyman.'

Adding insult to injury? Alicia offers to send me a brand new white thingy in case my sink is permanently plugged up, which offer I gladly accepted for no particular reason. I can see it all now: pre-co-ed girl sends part with a wholesale value (it's always important to get the best price you can, so I talked them down a little.....) of $0.00005 to a schmuck who can't follow one simple instruction. Pre-co-ed girl places the call record up on the Idiots Wall of Shame Board for all the world to see. One white thingy costing $0.00005 (plus $0.46 for postage, for a grand total of $.46005) is mailed, one reputation eternally soiled.

With any luck I didn't crack the shower head as a result of my, uh, creative installation techniques. Alicia was really nice (at least to my ear) and said that if the head is broken to "just give us a call." That's the level of confidence she has in me?

If she really knew me she would realize that I am considered to be quite a technical guy. In fact, right now I am working on a new technology certification. And, sure, I'll admit it: while reading the manuals I will be keeping my eyes pealed for anything that refers to the words 'white' and/or 'thingy' so, next time I run into something like this I will be better informed.

Well, so long for now. I have an orphaned white thingy to retrieve from my sink. I was thinking about turning off the water and opening the pipe, but then I thought "Naw, from now on I'm leaving this type of technical stuff to trained professionals."

Like Alicia.

Good grief.

First Day of School for Da Baby Girls!

Jennifer took this great picture of The Twins before they got on the bus on their first day of school, and it was so cute that I figured I'd post it, even though no one reads my blog anymore (Ava on the left, Brynlee on the right).

Maybe no one reads my blog because, sometime in 2008, I said I was going to change the tone of my blog away from writing prose to something else....and that something else is covering family history. Well, it's more than 2 years later and I'm finally making good on my commitment.

Jenny told us a cute story that ties in with these pics, which were taken on the morning of their first day of school:

"Ava and Brynlee were in bed, and I noticed they were whispering to each other. I reminded them that it was time for them to go to bed, and asked them what they were doing, to which Ava said "We're talking about our friends."

Trite phrases like "Out of the Mouths of Babes" come to mind, but it is so much different when it is your 3 year old granddaughter that says it - it becomes a personal badge of pride, as if no other grandchildren says cool things except mine. Forgive me, etc. etc.

Luke, Jenny and Da Baby Girls stayed with us last weekend (beginning 8/21/10) and, as always, it ended much too quickly for our taste. We look forward to seeing them again mid-September.