I Will Admit It: I don't want to be the Person I always wanted to be

For most of my years on earth I have struggled with consistency or, more precisely, with the problems I have caused myself, family and friends due to the lack thereof. I have always struggled with consistency - well, off and on - at various times throughout my life.

I have come to understand that I am the living, walking, breathing personification of the "I" word (no, not Idiot, Ignoramus or Imbecile, though these descriptors may be even more painfully accurate - I'm talking about Inconsistency).

I find it amusing when people say "I would give anything if......" or "I would love to......." People who regularly utter those words but don't act upon them are, in the words of the Biggest, Fattest Liar of All Time (Al Franken), Big Fat Liars.

It is obvious: if someone would give anything he/she has to become or achieve whatever, or if he/she would in reality love to do such-and-such, well that person would surely find a way to make it happen. That's like someone with a full wallet and an empty stomach (and at least shared-title of a fairly reliable vehicle) saying "I would give anything to have a steak tonight" then never making the effort to drive to the Outback Steakhouse to place an order (this omission would be particularly egregious now that you can Dine-in or Drive-up). So we can fairly judge such a person, who wouldn't take action to find a steak, and say that this Big Fat Liar really isn't willing to 'give anything' for that steak.

Having categorically criticized the Big Fat Liars of the world I am compelled by social pressure, if not by a sincere commitment to personal integrity, to tell it like it is: I don't want it that badly. After years of pseudo-intellectually surmising concerning the subject I have concluded that I somehow prefer my erratic, inconsistent approach to life to that of a person who plans his/her every move and action. In fact, I have even come to realize that I am actually afraid of what would happen if I lived in a more measured and consistent manner. I might be more successful, it is true. But at least now, if I fail miserably, I can use inconsistency as an excuse. Were I to become consistent and still fail, how would I explain that?

It feels good to be honest about the reasons you live your life as you do, imperfect though it may be. Still, I can't escape the fact that my approach to life makes a pretty convincing argument that utter madness and empirical logic are close cousins.